Tuesday, December 28, 2010
My dream for Christmas 2011
I worked nights over Christmas. Not surprisingly, I didn’t enjoy it. Therefore I have decided that when I am elected Supreme Emperor of the planet (please note that "am elected" is a euphemism for "achieve a devastating military coup"), that emergency services personnel will no longer have to work over Christmas. And it will bring people together in the true spirit of Christmas.
Here’s how it will work:
Nobody knows their neighbours anymore. It’s a sad fact of modern life but, next Christmas, we can change all of that. Nothing breaks the ice like: “Pardon me, my house in on fire.” Bring hoses, buckets, and marshmallows, and remember to have fun. It’s Christmas!
Medical emergency? And nobody in the street is a doctor, nurse or paramedic? Never mind, you’re sure to find someone who remembers the words to “Turn, Turn, Turn” by Peter, Paul and Mary, which will be of some comfort to you in this difficult time.
Domestic violence in the street? Like all good neighbours, you just don’t want to get involved. But, too bad, it’s Christmas, and that means today it’s your business. Your first step is to round up a small mobile group, or “mob”, of likeminded neighbours. Your second is to identify the troublemaker, or someone who looks reasonably like him. Your third is to run him out of the neighbourhood. Nothing brings people together like good old-fashioned vigilantism.
Okay, it night seem like a lot to get used to, but when I’m Supreme Emperor you’ll thank me. If you don’t, there will be consequences.