Friday, August 12, 2011

I hate you! (Blogfest, not hurtful declaration...)

Today I am taking part in the Hatefest, because I am tired of sharing the love. 



To jump on board or to check out the other entries, go to Tessa's Blurb.

My entry comes courtesy of my current WIP*. It's a first draft, and still a bit shy. It hasn't been outside in the world before, so it may scream and panic. Please, no flash photography.

Everyone, meet Danny. Usually he's an angry little bunny, but he's kind of on the back foot in this scene. Also, the weird liney things are not a typo. They are shorthand for whenever Danny looks at his watch. He does that a lot. This is lifted from the middle of a scene where Danny has been watching TV and daydreaming. Also, I'll apologise now for Danny's language, because he won't.



     “Sutton! Heads up!”
     For a second I might have been standing in the sunlight with Lillian Bartlett, but just a second. Now I’m back in the rec room, and some arsehole just threw a boot at my head. A fucking boot.
     And it hits me right in the temple, because he only yelled out so I’d look up. It wasn’t a warning, it was just because he wanted to see the look on my face and get a clear shot. I see a flash of white pain before I even know what’s happened. Then I’m holding my head and looking through stinging tears in the direction it came from.
     It’s Carroll. He’s sitting two tables away from me, and he’s laughing.
     Breathe.
     “Fucking arsehole,” I tell him. My head is throbbing.
     “Come here and say that, faggot,” he dares me.
     And maybe I would, except he’s got a table full of his mates with him. I hate Carroll, I hate his mates, and anger opens my mouth for me.
     “Why? Is the walk over here too much for you, gimp?”
     His lip turns up in a snarl, and my heartbeat races.
       Too much. Idiot.
     Carroll hates me as well. I was at the top of the wall that day. I unclipped his safety rope. I’d do it again too, any day of the week. I’d let him get all of the way up as well, so it was a thirty-foot drop back down onto the mats when he lost his footing and his ropes didn’t catch him.
     Little bastard, he screamed at me when they were carrying him off to the med bay. His mates beat the hell out of me for it, but it was worth it. I’m not the one with the permanent limp.
     There are maybe ten other guys in the rec room, and none of them are from my barracks. None of them are obligated to step in. So shit, at least I can outrun him, right?
     I look at the boot on the floor and remember that dumb joke: You should always try to walk a mile in the other guy’s shoes. That way, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes. Or something like that. I’m not good with jokes.
     I look at my watch
     |||
which is pointless. Should be moving, not counting down the seconds until Carroll and his mates beat the living shit out of me.
     In 5…
     4…
     3…
     I’ve left it too late to run.
     Carroll’s mates are out of their chairs and circling in around behind me, blocking my escape route. They’re like a pack of dingoes. They’ll snap at your heels and dodge away again until exhaustion brings you down.
     I know this.
     Breathe.
     Some guys smoke and drink and gamble to pass the time.
     Some guys play paintball and hit the wall.
     Some guys cut their wrists and have to wear blue armbands.
     Some guys play the guitar and dream about solwata.
     Some guys stare at the stuttering second hand on their watch: |||
     And some guys are just arseholes to break up the monotony. 



*When I say my WIP, I mean mine and my sister Kath's, but since she doesn't have a blog I'm the only one currently exploiting it.

30 comments:

  1. That's so cool you're writing with your sister! And I really like your style...edgy!

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  2. Ooh, this is good. For a second I was like - he unclipped his line? What kind of high school is this? - and then I remembered it's a dystopian. So maybe a rough military school (or maybe that's just how school is in Australia).

    But I love his attitude and thoughts. Definitely something I'd keep reading.

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  3. Pretty sure I know what happens next. Wonder what he'll do to get back at Caroll?

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  4. @ Trisha, thanks! My sister is the sensible gramatically-aware one. I'm the one who picks up the scent of crazy and just goes with it. Plotter vs pantser. Hopefully we'll continue to balance one another!

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  5. Hi MC! Yep, dystopian ;) To be fair, I don't think Australian schools are that rough. Although, as you know, I didn't attend often enough to form an opinion...other things to do, other places to be!

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  6. @ L Diane. Thanks for stopping by! He'll think of something, I'm sure. Revenge is always satisfying.

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  7. Beautifully written. This has a great voice going for it-- I don't think you have anything to worry about with revealing your WIP :) I particularly liked the repetition at the end, with the glance at his own watch.

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  8. I HATE this.

    Oh, wait, I mean I love this. Excellent scene showing the hate. I like Danny. I was already rooting for him.

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  9. @ Amalia, thanks! Hate is always great fun to write.

    @ LG - Thanks! I like Danny too. Then I feel bad for being so mean to him. I mean seriously, the things I've done to that guy, and he's only a kid! Oh, well, I'll save that for the Guilt Fest instead of the Hate Fest! Or possibly the Crazy Fest.

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  10. Bahaha, I loved this. This whole hate thing. And the excerpt--I love Danny's voice.

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  11. I like the voice with this. Very nice.

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  12. This is so vivid and intense. I can feel the contempt of the MC, and your setting is great for giving a feeling for what's going on even though I jumped in right in the middle of the story. Great choice.

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  13. I loved this! I am starting at my watch, waiting to read more...

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  14. Wow, that's great! I love your writing voice (or Danny's voice, rather, swear-words and all). I agree with Amalia - the repetition at the end is great, but I also like the way you inserted some of his thoughts as a type of direct speech.

    This excerpt has a lot of pull, I can't wait to read more of your WIP (if you're gonna post some more excerpts?).

    Thank you for sharing this with us for my blogfest!!!

    Tessa.x

    ps. pop in on friday next to find out who won what book!

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  15. I am totally going to buy this book when it's finished and published! Danny IS a little bastard, deliberately crippling a guy and being glad he did it. It's always interesting to be in the POV of an unpleasant person. Oh, wait, that's where I live....

    Marian Allen
    Fantasies, mysteries, comedies, recipes

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  16. @ Francesca, thanks!

    @ Stu,Thanks for stopping by!

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  17. Thanks Loralie!

    @ Maggie, LOL! Don't stare, run!

    @ Tessa: Thanks for coming up with such a fun idea for a blogfest!

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  18. Marian, it's a fun place to live, isn't it? ;) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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  19. I love this unique, snarky and foul-mouthed voice. This was a very fun read.
    Hopping by (pun intended) by via the Hatefest.
    Cheers!
    xoRobyn

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  20. Wow! Mutual hatefest, can just feel the emotion oozing off the screen here. Nice.

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  21. This is wonderful writing. Gutsy and full of bravado. I'm a rock climber, so the rope-bit really resonated with me. It makes it very clear to me that the rope was only the last strand, not the first knot. (What's with me and puns tonight?)

    By the way, in your introduction, you called him an "angry little bunny." How literal was that? And are they all bunnies, or a mixture of creatures?

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  22. @ Botanist - thanks! Glad you liked it!
    e
    Hi David! Thanks! The angry bunny thing is not literal at all... although it would make a hell of a kids' book!

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  23. I love the voice in this piece. And I love the end of the excerpt, like an incantation.

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  24. A hatefest! That's classic.

    I LOVE your voice in this. Really gripping! Excellent work. :)

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  25. Thanks for sharing. I really liked the bit where he talked about taking off the safety line and said that he'd do it again - powerful!

    If you get a chance, check out a fellow writer's zombie story and help me make him wear an embarrassing shirt next year! It's the ultimate grudge match between social media and the zombies. Details are here:
    http://kelworthfiles.wordpress.com/2011/07/19/prove-the-zombies-wrong-social-platforms-can-build-readership/

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  26. Absolutely LOVED this excerpt - especially:

    And it hits me right in the temple, because he only yelled out so I’d look up. It wasn’t a warning, it was just because he wanted to see the look on my face and get a clear shot.

    Can't get much more hate-fueled than that.

    Also thought this was hilarious:

    It's a first draft, and still a bit shy. It hasn't been outside in the world before, so it may scream and panic. Please, no flash photography.

    LOL!

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  27. The animosity is thick, perfectly portrayed. Love the internalizing.

    ......dhole

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  28. @ kelworthfiles, thankyou! Danny's got a very strong vindictive streak, but he's totally justified!

    @ Julia - thanks! It's easy to write hate when teenage boys are involved. It's a lot harder to write empathy and respect. Luckily Danny doesn't have much of either. (And I hope you didn't use flash photography when viewing this blog entry!)

    @ Donna - thanks! People have been so nice about the hate!

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