Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Siege Mentality. Also, a Disney question.

Because of my possums I have developed a siege mentality. Or, at least, what I think might be a siege mentality. I haven't actually looked it up. Also, I haven’t tried tunnelling out, but I’m not ruling it out. Except then I would probably discover wombats, right? Which would be just my luck. I mean, I like wombats, but only in the abstract way I once loved possums. Before I found myself sharing a house with them.

My niece Meg heard about my latest possum encounter. She let me borrow this book.

Possum in the House is a chilling urban horror story filled with terror and disquiet, masquerading as a children’s picture book. Scary stuff. What’s scariest is the fact it was first published in the 1980s, and has a record player in it. Remember those? You weren’t allowed to touch them in case you scratched the records or broke the needle. Or, because of that one time, when you threw a wooden coat hanger at your sister’s head, missed, and smashed the glass cabinet the records were in. And then you got grounded, so you had to sneak out your window, commando crawl through the BBQ area, and climb the back fence to play in your favourite storm drain.

But anyway, possums. Short of closing my windows, there’s not much I can do.

Okay, so closing my windows might sound like an obvious solution, but it really isn’t. And here’s why:

It’s November. It’s stinking hot. If I don’t have open windows, I don’t have a breeze. I need the breeze or I will die.

Also, I cannot close my windows. Literally. The last time I closed them was during my Cyclone Yasi preparations several years ago. I beat the hell out of the latches but nothing happened. So I unscrewed them with a power drill. I figured gravity would do the rest and the windows would close. Not so much. Apparently my windows pre-date gravity. In the end I got a hammer and bashed (delicately) around the window frame until they came unstuck. It took over an hour to close all the windows in my very small house and, unless another cyclone is breathing down my neck, it’s not something I want to do again.

Also, there’s no point. Even if I close my windows, the possums can squeeze through the wooden shutters in my kitchen and bathroom.

So I’m trying not to feel to besieged. I’m trying to feel like a Disney princess instead. Because if you can’t fix the problem, you’ve gotta try changing your attitude right?

Me now, under siege:

Me next week:

But with possums. 

Which Disney character would you most like to emulate? And let's not forget that Star Wars is now in the game. In which case, I'm gonna change my answer to Han Solo. Now and for always. 


  1. You could always go evil queen on them and feed them apples, but that's sort of sinister and un-PC. I suppose embracing your inner animal lover is the only way. Given your nature, though, I see you going more Grizzly Adams...but wtih possums. Hope this helps, Possum Burke.

    For reference >>

    In case Australians aren't familiar with the awesomeness that was Grizzly Adams. :PP

    1. While I have more in common with the Evil Queen than Snow White, I don't think I could poison them. If I did, they'd only break into my ceiling again to die there and stink the place up.

      A friend of my brother-in-law's once had a dead possum in his ceiling. He and his mates tried to hook it out with a chain. Result? Dead possum spread over larger area.

      Ugh. Silly boys.

    2. Ugh. I worked at a nature center for a couple of years, and we had mice that died in the walls. That smell!! You can never get rid of it. No, you are much better off befriending my little spies and inviting them into your house. And maybe give them nicknames and make them little outfits like that nun did for the kids in the Sound of Music.

      I just re-read that and now I feel obliged to admit I'm officially high on pie fumes in prep for our holiday. :PP

    3. Oh, you must post photos of them in their little outfits. Punk outfits, I hope. :-)

    4. Tine little Ramones t-shirts...
      Okay, I'll try. But you guys have to promise not to alert the authorities if I put safety pins through their noses...

  2. Thanks for the update on the siege!

    I'm much like Grizzly Adams when it comes to animals, but at this point I think I'd be stapling chicken wire over the windows.

    And Snow White should definitely check herself for ticks and fleas. If she didn't get them from the dwarfs, she's got them now.

    1. Her coma probably had nothing to do with the apple at all. It was probably some sort of tick-borne disease. The witch was framed!

  3. I would like to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast. She lives in a castle in France with a hot prince. 'Nuff said.

    1. Oh, I like the way you think! Nice choice!

  4. You know, in some parts of America, folks eat possums. Just sayin'.

    And the Disney character I'd like to be is Cinderella's fairy godmother. I could turn my possums into musclemen, like.

    Marian Allen
    Fantasies, mysteries, comedies, recipes

    1. I've seen pictures of American possums. I don't think I would like to put one of them near my mouth.

      Fairy godmother is a great choice! You could definitely have some fun with that.

  5. I'm pretty sure I live in one of those parts of America that eat possums. But American possums aren't cute like the Aussie ones! See, to me you just sound really lucky--adorable possums, wombats, tree frogs? If I were writing a series of Alabama-set children's books, they'd be called things like Cockroach in my Dinner, Wolf Spider Blending in with the Phone Charger, and Holy S***, Was That a Bear?

    Sounds like you'll be Snow Whiting it up in no time! Just maybe don't imitate her voice. It's pretty grating.

    I want to be Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove.

    1. Those are children's books I would absolutely buy. You must write them immediately!

      And aw, now I want to watch The Emperor's New Groove. I haven't seen that in years.

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  7. You have got to be kidding! A possum in the house... an urban horror story? good grief! lighten up and see it as what it is supposed to be. A good repetitive phrase books for children to read and learn from... As for the possums, don't leave soft food in the bin.. clear the roof and over hanging limbs. You live in Australia... deal with it.



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