Friday, December 7, 2012

An open letter to the Queensland Government

Dear Queensland Government, 

Yes, all of you, from the Premier himself down to the lowliest government minion, slaving away in her little windowless office dreaming of mutiny...hey, that's me! 

Dear Queensland Government including me, 

What the hell is this, and how much money did it cost the hard working taxpayer of this formerly great state of ours? 

And yes, I said formerly great state. Because you know what we are now? We're Chamberlain. No, this is beyond appeasement. We're Vichy. We're full on collaborating with the enemy. And yes, I've already broken Godwin's law. But I'll tell you what law you've broken: the law of nature! 

This odd but seemingly harmless structure is located on the Bruce Highway, between Townsville and Cairns, north of Cardwell. And yes, Marg was kind enough to stop the car so I could take photos... But it's not some random piece of modern art. It's not even anything to do with power lines. It's this: 

But no, not just any fauna. You won't see a cassowary doing a high wire act up there, or a crocodile wishing he had opposable thumbs right about now. Do you know what this is for? Possums. Bloody possums. Evolution gave us one advantage against the rampaging hordes of bastard possums -- traffic. And what have you done? You've used our own money and resources to take that advantage away from us. 

And it's apparently not enough that we're helping them launch their invasion force across the highway, we also don't want them to hurt their delicate little paws on the prickly ground, so we've attached a complex system of ropes to the bridge that lead directly into the trees. 

When the possum army comes, I hope they kill you first. 

Hang your heads in shame, Queensland Government (and me), hang your heads in shame. 

NB: This post may be exaggerated, inaccurate, and highly spurious. The bridge is for a possum species called the mahogany glider, and they are awesomely cute, very endangered (they were thought to be extinct for over a century), and have never, to my knowledge, broken into my house to steal bananas. Although I am naturally suspicious of any possum that has developed flight ability. Missile technology can't be too far behind. 



  1. And here I thought a mahogany glider was a rocking chair. (Which would be very dangerous for traffic, indeed, if one fell off the crossing.)

    1. Sure. Because once the rocking chairs start falling from the sky, the pianos can't be far behind.

  2. This may be my favorite post of your's EVER.hahah I actually snorted while I read it.

    'When the possum army comes, I hope they kill you first.' I love

    1. Thanks, Marsha! The conversation went something like this:

      "You want me to pull over on the highway in the middle of nowhere to take a photograph of the possum bridge?"

      "But it's for my bloooooogggg!"

      My friends sometimes don't understand me, but they put up with me anyway.

  3. That's just asking them to go up there and drop stuff on passing cars.

    Take a good look at the higher government officials. Do they look more possum-y than they should?

    1. Oh, god, what if you're right? What if they've already infiltrated the highest levels of the government?

      This is the beginning of the end...



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