Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Most Terrifying Possum Story Ever

Tonight at work a friend showed me a picture of her sister's newest housemate. Here it is, living in the special little house that has been built for it: 

Awww...I mean ARGGGH! 

Cute, right? 

No, Possums are not cute. They only appear that way to lull you into a false sense of security. 

The following is a true story. 

Last night at the pub we got to talking about possums. As you do. To be fair, we started with home renovations, which led to the architectural features of old Queenslanders, which led to tin roofs and wooden shutters, and there we were. The important thing is, we started off on an adult conversation, right?

And, you guys, you know my possum stories are fairly horrific, but last night I heard the Most Terrifying Possum Story Ever. You might want to read this in the daylight.

This story comes courtesy of John and Joey. No last names, to protect their identities.

The scene: the Police Academy, Oxley, Brisbane.

A stinking hot summer day.

After a hard day working (insert artistic licence here) John went to the Coke machine to get a cold drink. He put his money in, pressed the button, then stuck his hand in the chute for his drink. He didn’t get it.

Instead, he got a handful of irate possum that – having crawled up inside the machine to escape the heat – was not happy about being brained by a can of Coke and shoved out into John's waiting hand. 

The possum, needless to day, freaked out. 
So did John. 

Meanwhile Joey, attracted by the sound of screaming (John’s and the possum’s), almost wet himself with laughter.

He was still laughing about it last night; laughing so hard that he could hardly breathe. To his credit, so was John.

If it was me, I’d be this guy:

The horror, indeed.


  1. I don't know how you can continue to malign these humble creatures. They're merely trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic landscape littered with humans and machinery.

    Awww, and they are so adorable. Proof >>

    But, wow, thanks for the warning about buying cans of soda in Australia. :)

    1. Don't fall for the cuteness, LG, it's what they want!

  2. I agree, don't like possums, but they look cuter in your area. My younger years were spent in the South US, so possums were roadkill most of the time. They're enduring like raccoons. I could see getting hit on the head with a can would make me ticked off too. So you can't blame the critter, much. Thanks for the laugh.

    1. American possums are terrifying! Ours are much cuter than that. Cute and evil, the same as raccoons!

  3. Are you sure he didn't accidentally put money in the possum machine?

    Seriously though, you are the champion of possum stories. It's like they're all out to get you and everyone you know.

    1. Maybe it was the possum machine!

      And you're right, they ARE out to get me and everyone I know! It's not paranoia, I swear!!! :)

  4. For some reason I thought this was going to include a bathroom. : p

    1. Ah, but you see I expect possums in the bathroom now, so they had to up their game. Possums are like the Spanish Inquisition - nobody expects them!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...